Scenario: It’s night, and a man is walking home. He sees ahead there is a woman going in the opposite direction as him. Knowing not to stop or approach her, but his presence makes her nervous. What would help further in this scenario if anything?
I think the classical answer is “tip your hat”.
Its just a jump to your left.
Ignore her?
I suggest rubbing your hands together and winking as often as possible while breathing heavily.
As a woman, seriously, just give me the bro nod to acknowledge that I exist but am not that interesting to you and keep walking. If you go out of your way to show that you aren’t a threat now I’m thinking you’re a threat, and if you pointedly ignore me now I’m wondering if you are actually far more interested in me than you should be but you want me not to notice.
Brief eye contact while acknowledging that I exist tells me you aren’t afraid of me remembering your face but that you aren’t being weird and staring or trying to hide from me.
I like to have a smile as well. If I give the nod or even a cursory “hello” I try to have my body language say that I in no way expect or need any sort of response or acknowledgement.
I’d go with “Evening” over “Hello”. The latter signals that you’re trying to initiate a conversation, the former is just friendly acknowledgement.
I feel this is exactly what OP and others fear. Trying to optimize the best way to pass someone without being creepy or threatening. It can be maddening. Like, I see your point, but how far down that rabbit hole can we go? It’s exhausting trying to not be weird which is ultimately weird itself.
That’s just generally what I would do when passing someone at night. Polite acknowledgement, keep walking.
Which nod is that, a down nod or an up nod? I’ve always found up nod threatening tbh
Definitely a down nod. An up nod indicates that you want their attention.
See maybe it’s my part of the world, but I’ve always seen guys use an up nod as sort of a “yo, 'sup fellow human” , and a down nod as a “hello there”. The up nod just has a subtly more chill bro feel to it, but either is fine lol.
Now I need to go poll some guys.
For me an up nod is a greeting towards somebody I know, or at least have seen before.
And a down nod is an respectful acknowledgement towards a stranger.
Idk if anyone else reads them that way though…
That’s how I’ve always interpreted and done it.
I think there is a cultural thing around nods. I would definitely not recommend, in this situation, doing a nod that does not feel natural to you, so either do whatever nod you can actually pull off casually, or skip the nod.
There is also a locale specificity… Where I live, people don’t usually nod or otherwise acknowledge strangers on the street. Some places you might be expected to smile and nod or even say hi.
TIL i’ve had it backwards all this time. oh well, guess i’ll just add it to the mountain of “basic aspects of basic human interaction that i will now be overthinking on manual mode for the rest of my life” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It’s not universal.
In thia context i would interpret it as “Hey, it’s pretty dark out here. Wanna buy drugs?”
Or just summoning someone to come over to you
I have always read it as down nod is for acknowledging someone you don’t know/ know very well, and up nod is for people you know. The idea being you nod down to cover your vital neck while also making eye contact, in a sorta “I see/I am watching you if you try something”. Up nod reveals the neck, showing trust and comfortability.
Shit, now I’m self conscious about my nod reflexively being an up nod!
I just find the up-nod extremely douchy in any circumstance
I’m feeling extremely vindicated! I hate it, and I dislike in general the idea that men “nod at each other to say hello”
Let’s see: “Sup? Let’s fight” vs “Hello”…
Bro nod and a howdy or evenin’ are what I usually go with. I am usually walking with my husband though (we are both dudes) and my guy is scary-looking so if someone (man, woman or other) crosses to avoid us I fully understand and respect the situational awareness.
Just don’t be weird man, that’s all you gotta do.
“Just don’t be weird” is exactly the kind of thought that’d cause me to come off as weird. Suddenly every detail of what I do is manual and scrutinized by myself.
I live in a city, just do the same thing I do when walking past literally anyone - leave a few feet of space, eyes forward, ignore.
starts thinking so hard that my arms stop swaying
Forgot how feet work
At least she’ll have a funny story about the creepy guy muttering “right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot” that she passed.
To tell you something that actually helps:
Keep your hands in view. Fidget a bit if you want.
If you’re walking towards her, take a glance at her from about I’d say 5-10 meters away.
Walk a clear path. Pick a lane so she can pick hers to pass you.
Think of something else for a second. Look at a car, building, cloud.
Hit a street sign. You’ll make her laugh, she’ll feel 100% safe then.
In all seriousness now that should let her know you don’t have any dangerous objects in your hand, she’ll know you acknowledged her presence, and she’ll see you’re not 100% focused on her. That’s kinda all a girl needs to not be weirded out.
:-)
Thank you. I’m legitimately curious how to ease tensions some in such a situation. Was hoping this would be taken a bit more seriously but apparently not many did.
Yea it’s hard to comprehend for normal people that “act natural” doesn’t help someone like me an you, because “natural” isn’t the norm in my case at least…
Social anxiety, potential neuro-diverget I don’t have a “normal” to base things on like some people do I agree. As well not every person is the same so some I imagine would be fine me just casually saying hello and acknowledging they exist while others want me to just walk on.
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Are you serious? I’m genuinely asking
Yea
Idk where I first heard these, I think they were separate though.
Afaik the hands thing is especially good.
When do I hand her the note with large crayon letters misspelling “It’s OK, I’m not weyrd or annything!”, though? Using colorful and friendly letters, of course.
Man, that advice helped me a few years ago. Idk. It wasn’t a massive difference but some people told me I act more natural, so I think it worked?
I used to be very awkward and pretty much every girl my age would avoid being close to me. Now that is not an issue anymore. Idk if that helped or other changes I made, or both…
It’s like a malfunction in autopilot. Suddenly you have to take over the controls and it is painfully obvious.
But I was born weird!
Grandma used to say nothing breaks the ice like breaking wind so give a friendly toot as you pass.
I read somewhere that if an FBI agent is spotted by someone they are surveilling, they start picking their nose as a way to immediately seem normal and uninterested in the person. So you might be on to something.
According to Brent Staples’ essay from a few decades ago, about how to not be seen as threatening as a black man in the US: “And on late-evening constitutionals I employ what has proved to be an excellent tension-reducing measure: I whistle melodies from Beethoven and Vivaldi and the more popular classical composers. Even steely New Yorkers hunching toward nighttime destinations seem to relax, and occasionally they even join in the tune. Virtually everybody seems to sense that a mugger wouldn’t be warbling bright, sunny selections from Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. It is my equivalent of the cowbell that hikers wear when they know they are in bear country.”
I’m ngl, hearing a lone man whistling Vivaldi’s “Spring” in the middle of the night while alone would be kinda terrifying.
Makes me think of clockwork Orange
Obviously you’re not a new yorker.
True that. East coasters are weird.
Thank you.
We have a lot of serial killers. Not saying the whistling shit is connected but idk it might fucking be. 😭 I would sprint.
If someone’s out here in the dark with me being cultured, I am terrified.
That’s eat my liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti energy.
The problem with that is that I’m a senior with reduced lung capacity. I can only manage a couple of seconds, then I run out of air.
Can I just have my phone play it?
Learn to whistle while inhaling. It allows for a higher pitch and I can whistle continuously for nearly a minute without a single proper breath
Play dead, women are like bears.
Just act like a normal person, jesus christ
As much as this is the right answer, I understand where OP is coming from.
OP: to expand: you’re not responsible for other people’s fears or phobias. The best thing you can do is exactly that: nothing, just act as if the person were a guy you don’t know. Trying to “prove” you’re not a threat is exactly the thing a person who is a threat would do, so you’re going to set off a whole bunch of alarm bells by doing that. And that’s not just valid for women - at least I would be kind of creeped out if some guy did some of the things some people have mentioned in this thread.
Jesus Christ is an unusually high standard for a normal person to live up to.
Is it though? Seems to me it’s more or less just don’t be a dick, don’t judge, and treat others how you want to be treated. Aside from the magic, JC seems like a pretty average bar to aspire to.
it was two bars, arranged perpendicularly
But I mean, then there’s the running your hand through your long dark locks, and if your hair is short, that just looks weird.
You don’t seem to understand what “normal” means for some people.
If I understand the TikTok trend from a little while back, the solution is to pretend to be a bear.
Slowly lower yourself to all fours and start huffing to yourself hangry-ly
Then sniff her all over and poop on the ground before stomping away on all fours
Act like shes a salmon and open your mouth to try to eat her when she jumps upstream.
Women go wild for that, but I’d save it for the bedroom
Cross the street because what if she tries talking to me? It’s night, I already did all my talking for the week I wanna be introverted alone.
Think fast hot shot! You both started crossing the street at the same time for the same reason and neither of you noticed until you’re in the middle of the road. Now what?
Meet cute. Keep trying to dodge the same way
Held hands in the ER while doctors were setting their broken noses.
Turn around then realise that looks weird, turn back around, fuck it’s even wierder now, check if she noticed, she saw me look at her, fucking hell now i have to think of something non-comittal and pleasant to say without it sounding weird… ‘uh… nice lamps tonight?’
I think this is how you form Voltron? Or like it’s part of it.
Comic book logic says I’m the one getting hit by traffic
What with the growing population world-wide it is not unusual to meet a human when you’re out walking. Remember it’s probably just as scared as you are. Try to keep your cool. Don’t try to feed them, don’t stare at them, don’t photograph them. Don’t run, or they might think you’re prey. It’s often best to just keep going and pretend you don’t see them.
- Make eye contact. No eye contact is creepy. It’s best to err on the side of more, rather than less, eye contact, because you probably don’t make enough.
- Pick up the pace. If you’re walking slowly, it’s going to look like you’re trying to prolong the encounter, so go at least at a trot.
- Hands are threatening, so keep one or both behind your back to prevent spooking her.
- Smile! You look prettier that way. Two birds with one stone here: if you keep a smile on your face, you’ll look less threatening, and you can tell her to smile to inform her that you want her to be happy.
- Pay her a compliment to put her at ease. Something non-sexual like, “you have beautiful teeth.”
- It will be clear you’re not a threat if she knows you’ve got something else. You could communicate that you’re going home to eat by licking your lips. Make some smacking noises too, if it’s dark.
- Clothes conceal threats, so take yours off.
HTH
See a woman in distance. Puts hands behind his back (could be a weapon). Picks up the pace. Looks straight into the eyes, lock on, force a smile so you look like a psycho and say: you have beautiful theeth.
If she doesn’t call the police or starts screaming then you surely didn’t follow all the points.
Calling the police is normal, as it helps her to feel safer. Don’t worry, this is a synergistic response to the situation.
HTH
It’s almost the same if you’re a woman and see a man who’s looking a little skittish
- Unbuckle your teeth, nobody like a tight toother
- Tie one leg behind your back and strap on something and pop it in your shoe
- Wave both hands in the air in a jazz fashion so they can see you coming
- Say something normative like mshnklfcknwoshlstf
- You can communicate by sucking in your lips and pretending you don’t have any
- If possible wear the skin of the last man you crossed
More like the last man who crossed you!
Nothing will help this scenario with just 2 people.
You have to add a third party. The man needs to have a female companion, or a happy friendly dog.
If I walk alone, my 250 pound, six foot talk frame is viewed as a threat. If I take my brother’s highly animated German spotted pointer with me, people approach me and want to pet the puppy.
Ah, so that’s how you get them into the van.
Candy helps too.
The pup still doesn’t want to go in the van. It’s still afraid of the vet
One of the things I hate about the way I look is people are scared of me. Feels like just to exist somewhere, I either accept I’ll be treated as a “thug”, or I need to actively project an aura of civility. It’s exhausting either way.
Totally different social experience if I have any feminine-looking person with me; people are suddenly nice and welcoming. Like I’ve been “vetted” as normal.