You’re now a city pigeon.

you lose all leg strength

Extreme fear of heights

You can’t walk

Achieved like bats fly. Your arms and fingers have been transformed into wings.

You get struck by lightning

But it’s a currency you cannot spend or convert.

However, you must personally hand-deliver every employed person’s paychecks in your country.

No, you cannot move to the Vatican to avoid living in a populated nation.

You have to use the heaviest legal tender viable. E.g., 100 pennies as opposed to a dollar. You can buy a house, but you’d be doing so with many, many metric tons of copper.

Infinite bills

The transformation takes about a week each way. So you have a lot of awkward time where you’ve got furry privates and horrible clawed hands while you wait for the change to complete.

Your arms take an extra hour to arrive after each teleportation (yes, this delay stacks). You don’t bleed from this, but you have stub arms in the meantime.

Your accuracy is +/- 3 light years.

Every time you do it, you land on a poop

You can’t pick which events. You only find out what they were after setting the likelihoods, and can never change them a second time.

You can only make things worse

Applies only to non terrestrial events

You need to amass one kilogram of your own feces in a ceremonial bag for the power to take effect.

You get hit with the same side effect

It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information

In exchange, all of your thoughts are broadcasted onto an account on every social media, no matter how small, with your name attached to it.

When you read someone’s mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.

All thoughts are formatted in .docx

Whenever you do it, the fact you’re reading someone’s mind is announced loudly in their mind and in the minds of anyone nearby.

The download speed is always 10Kib/s.

It comes buried in a folder full of 999 other files, with names from 000 through 999. Which file it is is random.

All the other files are porn of your biggest turn-off. This is mostly just an annoyance.

Whenever you do this, you turn all the gold you aren’t touching within a kilometer radius into lead. That includes gold in electronics, so you would instsntly break every computer within a kilometer radius.

you now have tourette’s and speak that incantation uncontrolably. the only medication for it is lead-based. lead is otherwise harmless to you.

You can never remember the incantation

The incantation is the full unedited script of The Bee Movie and you have to do a Seinfeld impersonation when reciting his lines.

the incantation is a 5min long praise of Jeffrey Epstein

You experience no such thing as want or discomfort, you dehydrate and die within a few days.

The code can only be written in VB.Net.

It must be written in Malbolge Unshackled using a keyboard that alternates between DVORAK and QWERTY layouts with each keystroke.

Stack overflow won’t load while time is paused.

Air also stops, so moving causes unimaginable levels of friction and you cannot breath.

You can only write ‘hello world’

Your code always crashes. Always.