You opened this can of worms, now lie in it

I resent, and resemble, this

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.”

“People who live in glass houses can count their chickens in the rain.”

“We’ll cross that water when it’s under the bridge.”

One I accidentally said a while back and now use for anything that’s both unhinged and comes out of nowhere: Out of left pocket

Why does this screenshot look like a highschool teacher photocopied it from a book?

I’m here to kick ass and take names, and I’m all out of ass!

*clicks pen*

Names, please…

Bojack Hosreman had a couple of good ones. My favorite was: “Fool me once, shame on you, but teach a man to fool me, and I’ll be fooled for the rest of my life!”

Light a man a fire and you warm him for a night. Set a man on fire and you warm him for the rest of his life!

Oh, we have those in German too:

1st Idiom: Life is no pony farm
2nd Idiom: Life is no sugar-licking.

Both meaning life isn’t easy.

Combines into: Life is no pony-licking

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One hand washes the other.
One crow doesn’t pick the others eye.

The former meaning: “Quid pro Quo” and the latter: “One scoundrel doesn’t tell on the other.”

Combines into: One crow washes the other.

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Like an elephant in the china shop. (The proverbial bull in the china shop)
Who’s sitting in a glasshouse shouldn’t throw stones. (If you are yourself vulnerable to / guilty of the allegation, don’t throw the proverbial first stone)

Combines into: Who’s sitting in a china shop shouldn’t throw elephants.

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Who digs a pit for another will fall in themself. (Meaning is obvious)
Who’s sitting in a glasshouse shouldn’t throw stones. (As above)

Combine into: Who’s sitting in a glasshouse will fall in themself.

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Had a pig. (That was lucky)
Sponge over it. (Erase it / it’s okay / forget it)

Combine into: Pig over it.

Note: in German sponge (Schwamm) and pig (Schwein) begin with the same syllables.

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Not seeing the forest for the trees. (as in English)
Standing like the ox in front of a mountain. (being baffled or at a loss)

Combine into: Standing like the ox in front of a tree.
Or: Not seeing the ox for the mountains.

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Hitting two flies with one swatter. (As in two birds, one stone)

Morphs into: Hitting two swatters with one fly.

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Better the sparrow in your hand than the pigeon on the roof. (Be content with what you have in your hand instead of going for the bigger thing that’s harder to get.)

Morphs into: Better the mute (woman) in bed than the deaf (woman) on the roof.

Note: “Die Taube” is feminine and can mean both “the pidgeon” and “the deaf”. (dove, deaf, you can see the connection in English still)

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Better the sparrow in your hand than the pidgeon on the roof. (As above)
Shooting cannons at sparrows. (Overreacting)

Combine into: Shooting pidgeons at sparrows.

I got in trouble at a corpo job for saying “We’ll jump off that bridge when we get there.”

Speaking of bridges, I like “cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it!”

My favorite is 'not the sharpest hammer in the kitchen.

A bird in the hand is worth two with one stone.

One I’ve actually heard is, you couldn’t swing a dead horse in here.

One of my favourite ones in Bulgarian is “Око за око, паста за зъби”.

“Око за око” is “an eye for an eye” and “паста за зъби” is literally “paste for teeth” (or what we say for “toothpaste”).

The latter is technically not a saying or an idiom, but I think it still works. I believe I don’t need to explain the absurdity of it.