People around here really love Linux.

Not saying it’s a bad thing. Linux is great.

But people around here reeeealy love Linux.

I mean… I have young kids with delacate sleep schedules, and I just want them to stop fucking with the clock. Please just pick a lane and stay in it.

Fantastic movie. Somebody suggested I watch it and they were going to tell me about it an I was like “No don’t tell me anything, I like to go in blind”. I didn’t look up anything about it either. Went in completely blind and holy moly what a wild ride. If you’re reading this, and you have never heard of this movie, I highly suggest you go watch it.

I suppose the fact that it’s in this thread gives something away, but it actually doesn’t.

Infinite poop.

You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt.

The poop accelerates.

You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell.

The poop accelerates.

You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window.

The poop accelerates.

A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can’t free himself.

The poop accelerates.

A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile.

The poop accelerates.

The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers.

The poop accelerates.

You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet.

The poop accelerates.

The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes.

The poop accelerates.

1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier.

The poop accelerates.

4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city.

The poop accelerates.

You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you’ve broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive.

The poop accelerates.

Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness.

The poop accelerates.

Forever.

You can put a bunch of pancake batter in a rice cooker to make a big ass crazy pancake. I’ve only done it once, but it was like 2 inches thick, cooked perfectly all the way through, and super delicious.

Not sure about microwaves popping the corn, but there was this guy Jimmy who was cracking the corn, but honestly I couldn’t be bothered with it.

I don’t know if this counts but my wife will often be like “I saw this recipe on Instagram that I want you to make” and I have to be like “how many blocks of cream cheese does it involve?” and then she’s like “Awww okay”

I swear 90% of these recipes out therr are the same exact thing with different presentation and they all just taste like bland, underseasoned, cream cheesy meat and vegetables.

Last year for Halloween I asked my daughter what she wanted to be. She said she wanted to be the Big Bad Wolf. I asked her who I should be and she said Goldilocks.

Yes I am aware that they are not even from the same story.

But when your daughter says so, then you do so.

Except for maybe blackface. Don’t ever do blackface.

It kind of looks like a Smith & Wesson 500 which shoots a .50cal and would definitely explain why the pumpkin exploded into smithereens.

Wow I could never imagine bringing iced coffee to an interview. Why? Because coffee makes me need to poop like immediately. If I need to rush out mid interview because I might shit my pants, I’m probably not going tk get the job.

Did you know that if you took a blue whale, the largest mammal on earth, and laid it end to end, tail to mouth, on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled?

I see like 50 mentions and alcohol and energy drinks. I got something different.

Kombucha.

Holy shit, it’s like a soda that went off, and I don’t even like soda. It is pungent and awful and I hate that it’s marketed so well. Any time I see it on a shelf I’m like “Ooh, what’s this fancy looking juice? That’s a nice looking bottle. Oh, it’s Kombucha, I would rather drink a cup of foamy dog vomit”

Asked what Washington was going to do about the risk of plague spreading from Russia, Trump said he had not spoken to the Kremlin about it.

“I hate to see them having it,” he said, but added: “We’ll help. Everybody who has that kind of a problem, we’ll always help.”

Also Trump: They could take out a city. Let 'em take out Los Angeles, let 'em take out San Diego. This is a ​very small price to pay.

If it’s not clear who he works for, you’re really fucking stupid.

When I first saw it, it was a comedy. Now it’s a horror movie.

It was funny when it wasn’t real.

Vance can smoke a fat bowl of shitty butt hair.

I think he also passed an executive order that made abuse of an animal a felony. So like… 2 positive things and 100,000 negative things. Pretty much equal.

I have it the other way around. I recognize the fuck out of people and can never remember their names. I can be like “Oh yeah, that’s the dude that so-and-so introduced me to at that BBQ in the park 10 years ago. It was cold that day for fall, he said he was good at the piano. His name? No fucking idea”

Like I can remember so many details about so many things. Names? In one ear and out the other. You could shake my hand and tell me your name and I wouldn’t remember it after a 3 minute conversation. But I could repeat everything else about the conversation directly back to you.

Hell yeah.

That sounds right. I’ve heard of a threesome. I’ve heard of a foursome. Never heard of a fivesome. Because that’s when it becomes and orgy.

Give it to Isreal.

#AmericaFirst